Top 10 Quotes for Life

These are a few I've found amusing over the years and keep coming back to. Basically, more self affirming tosh that had nowhere else to go but might make a good email footer for some sorry little bugger somewhere:

1. "The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder" - Alfred Hitchcock.
   
   
2. "Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
   
   
3. "After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions" - Bert Lahr.
   
   
4. "Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the costumes" - Duckman.
   
   
5. "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer" - Douglas Adams.
   
   
6. "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects" - Robert A. Heinlein.
   
   
7. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read” - Groucho Marx.
   
   
8. “An Animated Cartoon Theology (or, everything I learnt in life I learnt from cartoons):
   
   a. People are animals.
   b. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
   c. Life is antagonistic to the living.
   d. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
   e. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
   f. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
   g. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us”
   
   - E. L. Doctorow, The Book of Daniel.
   
   
9. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants” - A. Whitney Brown.
   
   
10. "This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence" - Vivian, The Young Ones

I don't feel any better for having written this out and it has enlivened my being in no way whatsoever. I never thought it would.

DVD Review - Alien v's Predator

The uncensored review of AvP as opposed to the sanitised THIS IS one. I'm no MJ, but I get the films for free and I'll give owt a go when I'm bored...

“…putting the franchise to bed.”

Arguably science fiction’s most eagerly anticipated battle is hitting shelves across the UK this month with the release of AVP: Alien vs. Predator. A movie, which takes the two most iconic extra-terrestrial bad-asses ever created, and hurls them against each other in a fight to the death. Bad news for mankind. We’re trapped in the middle so, “whoever wins...we lose”. It's been 8 years since the Aliens last bothered poor Ripley, and 15 since the Predator tried to gut Danny Glover like a fish.

The meat and 2 veg: A sudden rise in heat alerts people monitoring Antarctica that something is buried deep within the ice. The Weyland Corporation, run by CEO Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen), get together a crack international team to investigate what appears to be a giant pyramid structure deep under the surface. This team of explorers, led by hardy outdoors type Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan), set out in the hopes of making history. Instead they find themselves in the middle of a war between these two sci-fi legends. Ooops. Turns out that the pyramid is home to the right-of-passage ritual in which teenage Predators are sent to prove their manhood. The enemy is (naturally) the Aliens, primed, psyched up, and ready to slaughter having been recently laid by a captured Queen and gestated in a nice warm Weyland Corporation employee.

Newcastle born writer/director Paul W. S. Anderson is a massive fan of both franchises, so perhaps he overworks them rather than ignores them. Unfortunately the end result shows, what appears to be, a lack of acknowledgement for the films that came before. A Predator in the snow? I thought they only appeared in hot climates. “But we gave them more armour to keep them warm” cries Mr. Anderson. Yes, and changed the Predator costume in the process, alienating the fan-base further. The list of these “errors” is legion and, as the film is made for the fans, should have been better considered and not shelved within the blanket remit of trying to improve on what wasn’t broken. Oh, and where’s the gore? This wasn’t the director's fault, we’re lacking this essential Alien/Predator trademark because of the studios. Aiming for the PG-13 was a mistake for the fans and the rumoured directors cut has yet to surface.

The film has a really nice use of CGI, using guys in suits (in the majority) instead of computerised effects gives it a certain “je ne sais qui”. Mixing this with the obsidian black temple, hiding the classic black Aliens of the first James Cameron film, and some impressive and beautiful Czechoslovakian set building (inspired by Mr. Anderson, who has always been a visual director). To be honest, this movie’s worth the price of admission for the art direction alone, massive caverns and labyrinths woven with a nice of Von Daniken mythos and buckets of cross cultural symbology are pretty damn pleasing on the eye.

There are some nice, if a little condescending, “making of’s” and commentaries on the DVD. The “extended edition” (as it’s called) defiantly ads to the movie, I’d now not consider watching it otherwise, giving us extra opening scenes and scattered goodies throughout.

Basically, AVP is probably a good sci-fi film, but not a good sequel. I liked the extended edit more than I though I was going to and I feel somehow that this has rounded off my sci-fi DVD shelf by finally putting the franchise to bed. Anyway, it was free. I didn’t want to like it as much as I did. Aliens and Predator come with a lot of baggage. Would any film have been truly worthy of the name and the history such a brand affords? In all honesty, perhaps not, but AVP does step up as being brave enough to give it a try and for avoiding being the computer graphics toy advert and “no brainier” that it could have been. In short, buy it if you know nothing about either franchise and need a good sci-fi/adventure romp to fill a miserable rainy evening. Buy it if you’re a completist or a fan (but hide it at the back and don’t admit it to your friends).

Movie: 2.4 out of 5

Extras: 4 ot of 5

Which Extremity of the World Are You?

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

Tasty Pi

http://3.14159265358979323846264338327950288
4197169399375105820974944592.com - a nice big yummy page of Pi, to one million places. Best URL I've seen in ages. Catchy and memorable.

Handy to somebody I've no doubt. Alas, the only Pi I have a use for is Magnum.

When Haiku Goes Bad

What the hell is Haiku? - I hear you cry. Peasent.

Haiku is one form of traditional japanese poetry characterised (nowdays) by a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. Thear are a few other "rules" too.

1. Haiku is "truer to reality" if there is no "center of interest in it".
2. There is great importance of the poet's first impression, just as it was, of subjects that are taken from daily life, and importance in local colour (which creates freshness).

With this in mind, and not being able to find anything nice to write about, I thought I'd have a go. Bollocks to the rules. They were probably made to be broken. Sod em if they can't take a joke, serves em right for hunting whales. Here goes:

When Haiku Goes Bad

• Eiderdown gliding,
  Fanatic movement underneath,
  Constant quest for bread.
  
  
• Bloody fire wont light,
  Freezing sodding cold again,
  Put on extra socks.
  
  
• Overdraft again,
  How does it mount up so much,
  Beans for tea I guess.
  
  
• Stupid damn rabbit,
  Nose twitching in uncleaned hutch,
  Make better pies than pets.
  
  
• Think back to the acid,
  Did I get tracers before,
  What was I on about?

That's all. I'm probably doing it wrong and I'm bored now. I wonder if www.evilheiku.com is an available domain? Or maybe www.maoningaboutshitusingpoetrythatdoesntryme.org.uk? I don't know why I bother.

I need cheese on toast. Back away from the cooker.

DVD Review - Skycaptain and the World of Tomorrow

I got asked, at work, to write a review on a freebee DVD. It's incredibly biased, obviously. Why they give a shite what I think I've no idea but, sod it, it's a potential source of free DVD's so here goes -

If you love the spectacle of cinema, you’ll love “Skycaptain and the World of Tomorrow”. For 106 minutes I was 7 again; fifth row centre of the ABC cinema and it was Saturday morning. I was a kid again with my nose in cheap Asimov and radio sci-fi, watching Boy’s Own cinema re-runs of Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon, overexcited by the world of Fritz Lang and Max Fleischer's Superman cartoons.

This is classic pre-war pulp adventure. The film oozes style, as pulses of radio waves emanate from the RKO transmitter to call Sky Captain into the fray and angular cities bristle with searchlights and German expressionist airships. Stunningly colourised Himalayan ice caves and Lost World jungles brush shoulders with cold ocean-bed seascapes. An unpretentious visual treat and yet surprisingly still glorious even on the small screen (all be it essential wide screen fodder).

Okay, so the plot is so shallow you couldn’t exactly drown in it. After New York City falls prey to a barrage of attacks by (wait for it) giant flying robots, ace reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) teams up with two-fisted pilot Captain Joe Sullivan (Jude Law, in his best role of ‘04) to fight the stylishly robotic forces of the ever-mysterious Dr. Totenkopf (Laurence “entirely made of computer graphics and stock footage” Olivier) and they bicker their way across the globe to the Mysterious Island (style) secret base and rocket ship finale. Iconography a go-go. We even get an appearance by an underused Angelina Jolie (as Captain Francesca "Franky" Cook) complete with accent crisper still than her Lara Croft and a character so cool that she gets better toys than Sky Captain himself. All the performers do a cracking job of holding character, an accomplishment itself as the entire film was unashamedly made in front of a blue screen with no physical sets and never denies it.

Surprisingly, Skycaptain also ends strongly. Action and adventure films are so common of structure nowadays that I find I can usually guess the last line and final shot. I just don’t expect directors to break formula any more, and while Skycaptain don’t exactly snap the mould it does offer up a solid ending that gives everyone a good chuckle before brushing the popcorn from our laps. Yes there is cheese, but don’t fear the cheese, embrace the cheese. In the world of ten storey robots and Wizard of Oz villains, the cheese is your friend.

All in all, good family entertainment. Even for the younger kids, who may not get the style and genre cross-references, will love the unashamed seat-of-the-rocket-pants action. Don’t forget to check out the deleted scenes and the gag reel, plus a couple of obligatory audio commentaries and a 2 part making-of featurette.

Skycaptain was a ten-year project by writer and first time director Kerry Conran, now rumoured to be in pre-production on “John Carter of Mars” and appropriately bringing his style to this Edgar Rice Burroughs classic. His original six-minute short, which he used as a promo (to convince Hollywood he could do it) for Skycaptain, is included with the DVD extras.

Movie: 5 out of 5
Extras: 4 out of 5

Top 10 Movie Quotes of all Time

It's obligatory isn't it, top 10 lists. We used to have a crack at compiling one a week at work (it was an excuse to argue about nothing and slag each off) whjen Snellie sat behind me (complaining). So here's my totally biased "Top 10 Movie Quotes of all Time".

1. "Groovy" - Ash, Evil Dead 2 (1987)
   
   
2. "Come, son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod!" - General Zod, Superman 2 (1980)
   
   
3. "I kick ass for the Lord!" - Father McGruder, Brain Dead (1992)
   
   
4. "You're gonna need a bigger boat" - Martin Brody, Jaws (1975)
   
   
5. "Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back" - Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters (1984)
   
   
6. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape" - George Taylor, Planet of the Apes (1968)
   
   
7. "Perhaps you think you're being treated, unfairly..." - Darth Vader, Star War: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
   
   
8. "They're coming to get you, Barbara!" - Johnny, Night of the Living Dead (1968)
   
   
9. "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" - Captain James T. Kirk, Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
   
   
10. "This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers" - Randall Graves, Clerks (1994).